INSTAGRAM POWER RANKINGS @haileebobailee

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To quote Jay-Z and Slick Rick before him, the Ruler's back.

Excuse my absence. I've been too infuriated to write one of these because Esquire Magazine is infringing on my real estate.

I'll tell Esquire the same thing I told that punk ass James Franco:

Every time I come in the kitchen, YOU in the kitchen.

In the GODDAMN refrigerator. Eatin' up all the foods.

All the chitlin....

All the pig feet...

All the collard greens...

All the hog maws....

I WANNA EAT SOME OF THEM CHITLINS.

I LOVE PIGS FEET.

And look if either of you two, James Franco and Esquire, were better than me, I wouldn't make a peep. Just like if my girlfriend cheats on me with Alex Lundqvist. That wouldn't even hurt my feelings. I might even throw her a high five.

As a woman, she is obligated to let him touch her vagina. I'm sure that's probably somewhere in the how-to-be-a-girl-manual sandwiched between marrying rich and looking 19 forever.

But if I catch her cheating with Jay Baruchel, I will be what-the-fucking so loud you'll think I'm being attacked by crows.

This is me what-the-fucking. If I may.

When I started this Instagram power ranking -- I started doing it on Facebook the first time I saw an Instagram ass shot 2 1/2 years ago. The original concept was a BCS style poll. -- every needle dick in my rolodex told me that looks don't matter and I'm an asshole and I'm superficial and that it's going to hurt fat girls' feelings.

Well, A) fuck you. B) good luck marrying a super model with your 4 1/2 inch penises, your flip flops, and your rescue dogs, C) Esquire validated my idea.

I'll be giving a similar speech when Doutzen Kroes licks my balls.

I do love Esquire.

The magazine is one of my greatest influences and I feel amazingly flattered that we have had this parallel thought.

But the problem is that none of these writers have kissed a girl prettier than the 3rd hottest girl at their high school.

And thus, they are disqualified from ranking pretty girls because they slot Lucy Aragon into the same tier as Candice Swanepoel.

I swear to God, when Johnny Depp is done giving nuanced, professorial soliloquies on following your dreams, torn scarves and hand-rolled cigarettes, he should pontificate about all the different kinds of vagina. That's the one topic I'd forgive him for addressing so smugly.

His penis is like the Noah's Ark of women. He's been whoring two of every kind since 1985. If anyone is qualified to do this ranking, it's Johnny.

And he would tell you, just like I am telling you, that the gap between the third prettiest girl at your high school and Mila Kunis is twice as small as the gap between Mila and Adriana Lima.

Esquire is more of a "who's hot right now or kitschy" and I'm more of a "who is hot enough to get George Clooney".

It's like comparing a locker room guy to a 20-10 guy who everyone hates. Do you want to fuck with Shane Battier or do you want to fuck with Blake Griffin?

Anyway, this is Hailee Lautenbach.

She's just a cute little kitty cat.

Full disclosure, this is especially hard for me to write because we have exchanged pleasantries. She's so sweet. I even told her I was writing about her.

She's like the Ali to my Cosell.

I can make her famous.

Like Maino.

Look, Hailee is super hot and super unique looking. She has has maybe my second favorite set of brown eyes of all time. She also has the EPMD of boobs. One wrecks and the other destroys.

How do you compliment boobs without sounding like a dick? I spend most of my conversations with women trying to avoid complimenting boobs. I'm like feigning interest in hats and sweaters and shit. Even the word boobs gives me the post-peepee shakes.

Tits is bad too. Breasts, even worse.

Unless we're naked. Then I'll say whatever I want. And you'll like it.

Enough about boobs. She didn't earn those boobs. Or those almond eyes. Those were luck. Or God's grace. Whichever you prefer.

What makes her special is that she is the first girl in the history of Instagram where a video made her more attractive.

I should clarify. She is the first girl in the history of Instagram where a video that she took of herself talking made her more attractive.

I remember when the video feature came out I warned good looking people everywhere that they can only hurt you and to tread very carefully.

Kind of like when Matthew McConaughey gave that borderline autistic speech at the Academy Awards.

The whole mystique of Hollywood is that these people are doing something that regular people can't do. But the minute they start talking as themselves and not in character it brings you back to reality.

It's like, oh, holy shit this guy is even more retarded than the Starbucks barista who breathes in-between sentences.

I even extend this advice to dates. Or more importantly, to sex.

Unless you are 100 percent sure that whatever it is you are about to say will help your cause, keep your mouth shut. Even if a girl wanted to fuck you 15 minutes prior, the moment you start talking about time travel, your window closes like a casket.

There is no amount of explaining you can do to stop her from sliding those black cotton panties back over her ass and telling you she forgot her Grandma was in town.

What I mean to say is that the Instagram video feature ruined 99 percent of my fantasy girlfriends.

But it didn't ruin Hailee.

It made me like her more.

And to me, that's the definition of true love.

xoxo

(Photo by Dominic Petruzzi)